Saturday, September 23, 2006

Reality Unplugged

Sometimes, we end up having senseless and pointless discussions. Just to kill time. Myself and someone important in my life. At times, it ends with the topic of sex. Most of the time, she shares her memories with her loved one and the predicament that she is in, at present. Actually, she does that every time I am with her. Every day, she has something new and different to say. Her thoughts are constantly filled with these memories. Every single moment there is, to be precise. Helps me to remember the times that she had spent with her loved one and it makes her happy. Well, not really. Happy but not happy. I will not dwell into the complexities but I somehow understand the actual emotion that she is going through. Or, at least, I try my level best to. I will never fully comprehend what she is going through and she isn't expecting me to, as well. But, I think, she knows that I do try. Perhaps, as someone who matters to her as well, she knows it's what I'm capable of.

You're reading this and wondering where I'm going with this. If you're not, you wouldn't have come this far. It has been brought out in the open that some have labelled her constant thoughts as somewhat a dreamland and that she is living a fake life and not in touch with reality. What are these people going on about? Dreamland? Fake life? Lost touch with reality? Do they have a clue as to what they're spewing out? Utter gibberish, if I may. Is reminiscence so wrong? As far as she is concerned, it is not a loss. A loss doesn't constitute a loss of rights to remember, reflect and refresh oneself. As a matter of fact, such things are not planned. The mind and heart trigger such thoughts. She has the choice of not wanting to think about it. Just like how I do things, most times. She has chosen the option of not forgetting and it is her prerogative. Keep your biased, asinine, discriminatory and utter insensitive comments away from her. Thank you very much. She is very much an adult. No need to advice her to move on with life. She knows that herself. She is very capable of making her own choices and decisions. You've not been in her shoes. I know I haven't but I give her the freedom and room to do what she wants. She knows I don't need to give her any special privileges because she didn't ask for any in the first place. So stop giving her the alien treatment. No amount of advice you give is going to change anything. So, please. For holy fucking jesus christ's sake, stop.

Ironic as it may seem, these people who talk of reality have no idea what reality is. Even I don't. Is everything that is transmitted to us via our six senses a call for reality? If we visualize something in our mind, so vividly, isn't that real as well? Don't we feel it too? It triggers similar, if not the same, senses as compared to what we have defined as reality. That is what she senses. So isn't that reality as well? It is. At least to me, it is. Don't go stooping so low as to think why such favouritism over this one person. If that thought had occurred, or is occurring to you, may your god whom you oh so love so much help you. I'm just being humane. Please also don't use god as an excuse for the way things happen. We don't even know if there is a god to start with, let alone blaming him/her/it for our problems. We don't even know why some things happen to us, no matter how hard we try.

Enter another group of morons. Somehow they only come out from their closet when such incidents occur. These people will justify your suffering for the sins that you've committed and it is how god, their god, your god, my god and holy fucking jesus christ admonishes you. First off, justifying any one person's suffering is not something godly or how any fucking god would have wanted us to be. What defines a sin? Something some fuckhead wrote in some book(s) claiming it to be from their god, as a sin, doesn't make it one. If there existed such a god, he/she/it has given us a brain. This brain suffices as a tool to decide certain things. If that is not enough, you have a heart. It's not just there to pump blood anymore. It has other purposes too. Not going to explain here, go do your homework. What things am I referring to? Good and bad. I've touched on this before. No. I'm not referring to good and bad as what religion or society or what some country's law defines it. These things have been around for so long yet no one knows what they really mean. Good and bad are just words to describe desirable or undesirable actions. Actions which you've committed in view of someone or some constitution or institution. Herein lies the biggest problem. Everyone sees good and bad differently. Yeah the religious zealots have a common pool of good and bad things but there are a vast number of differences. Differences that cannot be listed here. You get the point. So who am I to follow? They all claim they're the right way to god and heaven. Who the fuck came up with the theory that there is a heaven and/or hell in the first place? One of them is Zarathustra. You fucking bastard. You fucking divided the world thanks to your prophetic views.

And, oh yeah. God. The big dude out there somewhere. If you exist, you've fucked things up big time. And you're almighty, right? Sure. Correct things, if you may. No no no. Don't give me the excuse that you gave humans free will to exercise things correctly. No matter what book you give to them, they fuck things up wholesale. What's the deal with these books anyway? Why so many different religious books and so many different versions of each one popping up every now and then? You could have just come forth and bitch slapped these bastards and given them enlightenment 101. We have Dubya here who claims he speaks to you. Or you speak through him or some shit like that. Come on man. You're the big guy. Do something. Do we really have free will or not? Or are you just fucking around with us? We have millions of morons giving you back things that you gave them. They call it offerings and sacrifices. Are you greedy or something? You've got everything man. What are they going to give you that you don't already have infinite amounts of? Hats off to you, soldier. You picked some old, ugly and smelly people to guide the rest of mankind. Okay, so you didn't. They decided that they knew best. They decided to be your ambassadors. Don't blame these fuckheads and send them to this imaginary, ooh aah scary placed called hell, alright? We have so many people who claim that they know you and how you work. How come you didn't pick me as one of them? I would have loved to deceive and manipulate rich bastards to donate to my place of worship and start a brothel somewhere in Ukraine. Read your mind there, didn't I? You evil bastard.

If you're reading this, I've tried my level best to be tactful and sensitive to your thoughts and feelings. If I haven't, then I clearly have disappointed myself. Hope I haven't. It is indeed upsetting that other people change and fail to realize these things on their own. The default behaviour that you're supposed to keep things running is something not acceptable according to your belief. I second that. Perhaps, you've been taken for granted. Perhaps you've been pushed too far. Perhaps, you've grown mentally tired of turning every ignition. Perhaps, it is high time that you retire to your own thoughts. For that is something that is worth being concerned about than these things. Let things be as they are for now. Let us see where this heads to. I see this going somewhere albeit closer to nowhere but that is purely an assumption. Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups. I know. In a situation as such, perhaps we're both going to be right. If things end up like how we suspect, the bridge will eventually collapse. Will be it because the foundation was not strong enough or the number of times the people will end up walking all over it? I guess it will be the latter.

I'm referring to things that are beyond simple comprehension. Somethings that not many people have had the capacity to grasp. I am one such person. I try. At least, I bring forth that provoking thought. That is something, I feel, I do pretty well. So this is dedicated to you. Minus the french, of course.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Redefine Love

Love. I think it is a feeling like any other. In order to sustain itself, it has to grow. Is there love at first sight? I'd think not. That should be lust because we're attracted to a person's physical form. If you consider love as a state of being, then does that mean hate is also a state of being? Everything has to stem off from somewhere. So it has to be conditioned. We grow to appreciate someone and after much understanding, we will eventually come to love that person. I do not think love is absolute because it encompasses all the good things. Sort of like a collaboration of good stuff. I don't think it has an opposite. It's on its own. Just like how hate is something that has to grow from somewhere. You can't suddenly say, "I hate this or that." People just say those things senselessly. Hate is derived from strong disliking. So strong that your ego takes over and you see no good in someone or something anymore. Difference when it comes to love is that the ego is dropped. Ego embedded love is a totally different ball game. I haven't the slightest idea what one defines that. So we won't go there. What I do know that it's contemporary. In thing, actually.

Is there such a thing as the person makes you feel as a whole because of love? You're on a whole in the first place. You weren't half before the love of your life came along. So when people have this concept and their love breaks down, they don't feel on a whole anymore. Some become distressed; others become depressed and the rest go berserk. Yes. Literally. One has to learn to love oneself first before one can learn to love someone else. What about the phrase he/she completes me? They should compliment one other. How can someone else complete who you are when you are yet to fully discover yourself? Most of us, sadly, have this misconception of love due to media influence. Many will deny this truth but it does have a strong influence on us, unknowingly. Love doesn't just involve two people. You can love anyone based on the understanding above. The special love that occurs between couples, married or otherwise, is the one that takes two people or more depending what you categorize your special love as.

The norm usually involves two people who have no understanding of what this special love is. They somehow believe that they do know what this whole love game is all about. They're always expecting things to be perfect and usually expecting the other person to change according to their wants and needs. Compromising oneself for someone else is fine but a total transformation? No. Why let someone rule your life? If you're bound to make a change in your life, do it for your own self. That is ideal. Else, it will become something that is imposed upon and you will end up being insincere.

Then there are all these overused phrases such as if you really love someone, you must let them go and I love him/her so much yet I hate him/her. Thank you media. So how does the concept of letting the other party go define true love? Wait, true love? You mean there is false love too? Thank you media, once again. If they don't come back then they were never meant for you? Either you were being an idiot or you had no idea that the person had already dumped you. The whole basis of your faith in love merely runs down to a game of chance. You can't be extremely happy and extremely sad at the same time like how some people would have you believe. This, to me, is an illogical statement. If you're able to reach that stage, let me know. I'd love to figure out the mechanics of such a feat.

People have been pondering on the subject of love time and time again. No one has a solid answer. I know I don't. They're unable to conjure one up because they don't think and reflect. Even when they do, they spew out half baked shit. Just like how I have? As we progress, our current understanding on issues should change. A must, if the need arises. I hope mine will. Till then. Always. Love.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

For Everyone

Despite having the time and resources, I have no idea what to do and where to go from here. I have a knack for exaggerating things. Maybe I've a clue lying around somewhere but I'm just not realizing it. Maybe I've this lackadaisical attitude in me. Maybe I'm not looking at the right places. Where is the zest that has been burning in me all this while? What has come forth and stripped away of this enthusiasm? I know what caused it to travel miles away but I am unable to find the right way to walk all over it. Somehow it has been suffocating me beyond measurable words. The silence within me is overwhelming and it is affecting my social life.

Masturbation doesn't solve the conundrum. It affects social behaviour. I know. Look further than that. Do you see what I do not? Do you feel what I do not? You do or you don't? Are you pretending that I've ceased to exist? Do you feel immeasurable felicity that you've made it past the finish line but I'm still struggling in the race? What provided you the resoluteness to do what you're doing right at this moment? For a surety, I'm to be blamed. Blame everything on someone and walk off. Escapism at its extreme. My medication tastes putrid. Do not attempt to inject the venom any deeper into my jugular vein. I know what it is like. I knew. I know.

Amidst such confounding thoughts, I've this urge to help someone. But I've no idea how to help or who to approach. I'm referring to a person whom I'm well acquainted with. Somewhat a confidant. Hopefully this person gathers the strength and courage to do what they intend to. The person once told me that one has to feel everything that is going through and not evade the reality. I agreed then. I felt reality travelling through every cell in me then. But now, everything I feel is nothing more than an illusion. Which begs the question. Is reality defined as feeling something over what has happened? I beg to differ. After some time, perhaps a long time, reminiscence is all that is left behind. Something that we're to learn from.

Do we really learn from our mistakes or do we just say that to people so that they'd stop criticizing us or giving us advice? How is it that we tend to repeat the same if not similar mistake, more than once, and slap ourselves silly for doing so? Didn't we hold a promise to ourselves and to those whom we trust that we'd not commit the same mistake? So what happened? Either we never really realized our mistake or we never felt that it was a mistake at all to begin with. We just wanted the other party to shut up because they felt that what we did wasn't right. We love to orally please others. Admittedly, there are only a handful of people whom I trust and trust their judgement of things. They're right, at times. Just like me. Good to be around sensible people now and then. I'm considered fortunate that they love to listen to my nights of masturbation.

I didn't commit a mistake. That is what I feel right now. I just let a mistake happen. I mistook a mistake for the mistake. I guess I was mistaken. Nothing can be done about that now. Admonishing me for what had happened and criticizing my enlightenment for realizing that it wasn't a mistake is something that you really can't do anything about. Cuss and curse at me all you want. I stand by my decision. I made the right call. I fucked it up for a very good reason. I fucked it up so that I could see what was really there in front of me. A well put up dramatization of life. Kudos to you for having done that. Kudos to your ambition in life.

The day I see you again will be the end of your fortified pretence. Till then, the mirror is your only saviour.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Positive Negativity

Positive thinking. Yes, the post title is about negativity. I am making an attempt to point out the negative aspects of positive thinking. What is a positive thought anyway? How much does it differ from a negative thought? Aren't all thoughts coming from the same channel or each goes through its own? I know quite a few people who have lived their lives fairly well, exceptionally rather, just focused on pessimism. How they did it is out of the question. Point is, they've showcased that it is possible to live a fruitful live purely based on pessimism. One would ask oneself or another, "Why would anyone want to live a pessimistic life?" To them, I'd say, "Why would anyone want to live an optimistic life?" Such things make me ponder. What is the rationale for someone to choose what kind of life they want to lead? Then again, do we really make that choice or is that choice forced by circumstance? Subjective. Moving on, who concluded that leading an optimistic life would make things better? Advocate optimism to people living in Somalia, Chechnya, Rwanda, Iraq or Afghanistan for that matter and see what churns out. Does one really think that these people live an optimistic life? Perhaps they're happy with their simplicity but living in a war-torn environment isn't really going to boost your self-confidence now, is it?

Okay maybe I'm going way out of the boundary here. Let's stick to where I come from. Why do I need to be positive about everything? What good will come out of it? When I'm really looking forward to something with utmost optimism and it doesn't turn out the way it's supposed to, what happens to me? I feel disappointed, distraught and every other negative thought. Sometimes the negativity overwhelms me and I sort of like being in that world. Occasionally, to my disappointment, I snap out of it. What happens to people who experience failure all the time? Are we going to give them the bullshit that goes like "Hey, it's going to be okay. There is always another time. Don't fret. You will make it for sure next time. We're with you always. Okay?" Pretty much a standard methodology that is often applied but that shit won't work with me. It's not going to be okay. There will never be another time. I will fret and fuck you when you say you will be with me always. So it's not okay. Maybe I'm giving up too early in my life but I made that choice. You or no other shithead has the right to take away my right to lead a pessimistic life. People who come up in life from poverty and feel optimistic about it have my respects. The rest of you who have done nothing extraordinary and yet preach the benefits of leading an optimistic life can just fuck off. You may think that I've not tried. Yeah, I've not. I'm lazy. I don't have the passion to wake up every morning thinking it will be better day because it wouldn't be. Everyone experiences the same day. The day doesn't change. Maybe your mileage varies from mine. Maybe I'm just swimming in a pool of jinx. Fuck, maybe it's just me. Doesn't matter. How many of you have experienced benefits of leading an optimistic life? Does it give you better orgasms? How many of you preaching optimism realistically lead sad lives and pretend that everything is okay when it is not? Welcome aboard. I used to be like you people. Now, being happy is boring. Once in a while, you need to cut yourself and bleed to feel the adrenaline rush. That feeling doesn't happen when you're happy all the time. One needs to get down under to really feel the effect. Now that is what I really call optimism. Perhaps, the reader won't share my sentiments. Doesn't matter. You're not reading to agree or disagree. That is what I do. Your job is just to laugh at me. Laugh at my misery. Laugh at my immaturity. Laugh at my stupidity. Laugh. Maybe that gives you a certain optimism.

Like every post, I tend to digress. That is what happens when you're pessimistic because optimism usually shows you the straightforward, narrow path in life. You're badly tuned to think that everything will be okay and all will be good. You tend to ignore or pretend bad things won't happen to you. You have friends who experienced such things but you hardly or in fact never did. You try to be their pillar of support. They look up to your bullshit. They actually give a shit when you talk real shit. They don't give a fuck when you go on preaching about optimism. They know it doesn't apply to them and they know you don't understand what they're going through. An optimistic person is just there to make you feel happy when all the awful things in life happen. They think of them as somewhat a test and that we all have to go through it so that we can go to heaven in the end. Nice work, Sherlock. As for pessimism, it allows you to look at things from various angles. You're not easily subdued or manipulated. You tend to put in a lot of thought before doing something and when it fucks up, like how it usually does, you're not really affected. Why? Simply because you're immune to such things. It feels so good that you actually welcome it. Somehow now I feel good.

Somewhat. Somewhere.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Something About Nothing

As I'm typing this, I'm very high. Not going to tell what I'm high on. As a matter of fact, I don't even know why I'm writing this post. I just wanted to write something while I'm high on something else. I don't know what exactly I'm thinking of right now but somehow it doesn't seem to matter. Nothing of substance there, really. Bear with me on my sentence construction. I don't even know who will read this and I don't know why I typed what I just did. Anyway, that's not important. What's important is what is going to come out of this post. Nothing. Nothing is going to come out of this post. Why am I even writing all this? As I'm typing, these questions keep coming into my head. What questions? Oh yeah. The questions on how I am doing this? I don't know. This doesn't seem to make any sense to me at all. But why then am I doing this?

What do I have to write on this that I just created a new paragraph? I don't know. Maybe because I just felt like doing it? I suppose so. So what am I going to write here? I have nothing to say at all but yet I just keep on typing. Something is very wrong with me. I have started something for no apparent reason but yet I'm trying to find out why I'm doing this at the same time. Now I was just thinking why did I even type it out? It's frustrating when you don't know what you're doing and yet you feel like doing something but you have no idea what it is? Does it matter? You still want to do something. So I'm frustrated. Why am I even bothered to be frustrated at something which is nothing? This reminds me of Seinfeld. The comedy about nothing. What I'm typing is not comical but it's kind of like Seinfeld. This is about nothing. But it is going to be successful? Why must this be successful? Why I did even ask if it is going to be successful? Oh, yeah. Will it be as successful as Seinfeld? I don't even know where I'm going from here. Why does this post have to be successful in the first place? Is it because it is about nothing? Why did I even compare it with Seinfeld in the first place? This is getting out of hand.

I believe I should stop here because I go on blabbering gibberish. Okay, I've stopped. I suddenly forgot what to do now. Yes. I know now. I've to publish this. Publish the nothing. Okay. Now. Done.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Communication Woes

I've always been told, at some point in time, that I was the sensationalized conversationalist. Okay maybe not sensationalized. Somewhat a conversationalist. Friends and random people I've met always liked the fact that I had a lot to say on just about anything. I'm no Mr-know-it-all like some people would love to think so. Just because I know a little more than you on certain topics doesn't make me one. How these people generated these ideals I've yet to fathom. Why do I even care? Communication was an integral part of me. Listening intently to someone and giving them my rather blunt and straightforward two cents was of primacy. I used to enjoy the moments when they cringed and squirmed every time a verbal volcano erupted from my mind. It somehow made me feel good. It was a rather chauvinistic feeling. Not that I am but it just felt as such. It usually worked wonders on people. Sometimes a hard slap on your cheek gives you a fucking wake up call. I used to wake up a lot of people. Not many were grateful but no one really cared about those people anyway. Even I didn't. Okay, I was bored and wanted to entertain myself at the expense of those pathetic souls. Those who were not ingrate would have left somewhat feeling rejuvenated. It helped them, I think. They knew who to converse with when they wanted something fresh and raw. It somehow made them dependent on me. Not that I liked the idea but at most times I was available to listen. So it was all good. That was back then.

Fast forward to the present state. Communication has become a bore and a chore. Lethargy has crept in and all I want to do is to tell you to shut the fuck up and go solve your own problems. I am, of course, entitled to show special preference to those I still want to communicate with. These people deserve me and vice versa. I always try to be myself with them even though they know that I talk less these days. Very often, I've told people not to bottle things up. Let it all out but there is only so much anyone can reveal. I guess I'm not doing what I've always preached. No, not double standards. Human nature, I'd call it. In some aspects, it's beneficial when you hide certain information, critical or otherwise. That aside, I've been told that I'm devoid of emotions. Just because I don't react to how I'm supposed to doesn't mean I'm some rock. I choose not to show my emotional side for my own reasons. There is always this saying that the wise man talks less and shows less. Hey, I'm no wise ass but when I've nothing to say or react to your feelings, don't take it out on me. I'm just as human as everyone else albeit a little eccentric.

I'm definitely tired of being nice to people these days. I've realized being the nice person is an utter waste of energy. They love it when they find room to climb over your head. Once they're there, stepping down becomes arduous. Why let them climb up there in the first place? I've quit being nice. I've quit being the conversationalist. I've quit trying to make you feel good. I've quit doing things which meant something.

I've quit. Enough said.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Reduced Life

Ever wondered why we're here without our consent? Two people, sometimes one person, whom we address as parents or parent brought us into this world with excruciating pain and agony. Whatever for? I didn't ask to be born into this world. Why give birth to me and let me go through what I'm supposed to go through? It's like I've been given a set of responsibilities even before I got here. I'm supposed to go to the school, graduate, work, get married, have kids, bring up the kids, send the kids to school, watch them graduate, work, get married, have kids and if you're lucky enough watch your kids bring up their kids. Okay, so it may sound simpler than it is. Wait. It is. So what happens when you get old and pass on? What happens if you pass on much earlier than that? Your parent(s) brought you up into this world to watch you go back to where you came from? The female has to go through that much labour pain to get us out and then feel much heartache when we're not around? What is the purpose of all this?

As I'm writing this out, I'm wondering why I am even writing on this. By writing on this topic, am I going to receive a logical answer as to why I'm here? I dare think not. Those religious zealots would love to snap at me now by telling me all sorts of stories on what happens when you pass on. Yeah, like they've experienced it before to know what exactly is going to occur. Yeah, the god is going to whip my ass and throw me into some kinky place called hell where I'd abide therein forever. Sure. For crying out loud, we don't even know what is going to occur in our present lives but these fanatics already know what's going to happen in the so-called hereafter? Why go through so much when you're not even sure if some god is going to give you orgasms in heaven or set you ablaze in hell? In most cases, if you haven't performed up to the standards set by that same god, you're doomed.

I've reflected on my actions thus far and realized I haven't really done anything exceptionally good with my life. Then again, why do I have to do something good to start with? Who am I answerable to? Not my parents for sure. I don't see a reason to explain anything to them these days. I am, of course, grateful to them for bringing me up. All I've ever wanted to do is to make someone else feel miserable. Seeing someone distraught makes me feel good. Is that why some god decided to put me here? If so, thank you big guy/girl/thing. I may digress now and then but all that is done with a purpose. Thoughts that are currently input here are sporadic and erratic. I know I'm not much of a writer but I try to get my view across. Every single thought that crosses my mind makes me contemplate why I'm still here. By attempting to end everything, is that escapism or am I trying to find the meaning of the so-called hereafter? Do I have to take the planned route or am I allowed to take the shortcut? Answers have yet to surface. When the day arrives and if I ever find any purpose in leading this mundane life, I'd forever look to ways to enrich it with lucid thoughts. Or would I?

Perhaps, I'd find out then but for now, I'm struck with this thought.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Deeds

Perhaps one of the things that intrigues me most is the definition of good and bad. Who is that person who decided that which is good and that which is bad? Which makes me think if it was decided by any one person at all. Most religious fanatics, freaks rather, would have you believe that good comes from god and bad comes from the devil. Other morons would claim good and bad are both from god. How did they know? Did they receive direct information from some entity claiming to be a god to tell them to do things in such a manner? A lot of them would loudly say yes to such baseless claims. If good and bad were already categorized by some entity claiming to be god, why then do human beings see things differently? Some people, not me, would say that the human being has been created to think on his own free will. Other post-modern humans would claim that there is no such thing as good or bad. It all depends on the predicament. Which makes me think, why then would some god want to set about rules and regulations when he/she/it knows well that the human being isn't going to give a rat's ass about them? Something just isn't right.

Which begs the question, what then is good and bad? I don't know anymore. Is doing something good purely meant for the benefit of oneself, for others or for society? Likewise for something bad. Admittedly, some people do bad things to benefit themselves. Some do good things for the betterment of others and society but are they really doing good or have they been misled to think so? Take charity for example. Yes, charity is meant to be done on your own will. Not just when organizations and associations scream for help. The kind soul who gives charity believes that he is somehow cleansing himself of his sins or to make himself feel good. Rarely does one do things without asking for something in return. We never know if all the donated money goes to charity. Yeah, yeah, all charitable organizations and associations will claim that all proceeds only go to them. Who wouldn't love the idea of having so much money coming in as and when you wish? The idea of swindling such fat cash would even strike my head. I'd do it. Honest. By doing that, am I doing a good or bad thing? You wouldn't know because you don't know what predicament I'm currently in.

Yet another provoked thought.