Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Shit. I forgot the title of this entry.

So I decided that I'd pity myself and blabber something along the way before I start my disappearing act again. I'm doing this just so to appease my senses. But when I dwell into these things, it makes me ponder who I really am? Who am I? Rather, what am I? Am I a collection of other people's thoughts, emotions and feelings? Or am I just the result of being their punching bag? I do not remember speaking in my real voice. Everything that I utter is somehow influenced or manipulated by someone. Anyone. How does one go into the whole soul searching of oneself to discover who one really is when everything he or she has ever heard, seen, touched, smelt, felt or fucked is the result of another's dump? What is it that is original? What defines originality? What defines reality? Am I just a product of misery? Am I just here to listen to everyone wallow in their own self pity? Not that I'm concerned about it. I'm too bored to do anything else. So I just start hearing. Then I get engrossed and start to listen. Then I start to feel what they feel. Then it becomes worthy of every penny. Trust develops. Well at least for them. I wish I could just be a bitch to everyone and tell them to fuck off and quit whining about their self thought pathetic lives. I can't quite do that, as yet. Perhaps, I may have influenced their choices too. Perhaps, they want to blame me for their shortcomings. Perhaps, this is just a test. Yes, like what good old God likes. Tests. Everything is a test. Everything I do, be it good or bad is a test. So if I pass these tests, I become honoured and remembered. And if I fuck things up wholesale, I get remembered too. So I'll take the simpler and more approachable way. But I can't go on fucking everyone up. There are people I care about. People I love. People I love more than they will ever know. Okay, some of them do know. I do tell them. No, I'm not obsessed with their titties or ass. It's more than just love. An inexplicable bond. If I were to explain, I'd need to setup an entire blog site. Fuck no, I'm not kidding. It's that complicated yet it's the simplest and smallest thing that everyone tends to overlook. A bond so strong it differs from every other relationship there is. Unique. You would know what I'm referring to if you felt the 'Fuck! I know what he is referring to!' feeling. If you didn't do try to read from the beginning and try to decipher what has been said. Random things come to random people at random times. Hah. What the fuck just happened, I don't know. But one thing is for sure. I know exactly what I'm getting at here. Oh. And one more thing. I think I'm done.