Solitude
It has been creeping up inside of me for far too long. Maybe I've just pretended it was never there or maybe never gave it a second thought. But after having a chat with a friend of mine, things started to flood my thoughts. It's the constant feeling of being lonely within the four walls on your own home. Or rather, house in my case. Perhaps I was too caught up with seeking family love elsewhere. But I did attain lots of it. Too much for my own liking. Too much that it has made me reflect on my own home. The little things like having a meal together, family talk, hugging and arguing over asinine things are as good as dead. It was hardly, well, never there in the first place. My nephew is a blessing, no doubt. He brings about the love from everyone but directed to him. What about the rest of us? Has what I've done and not been doing made them nonchalant towards me? Or is it the deranged thoughts in me that is seeing things as such?
I've been told to initiate the actions. Yeah. Perform my role as a son. The thing is, this isn't a performance. I don't want to indulge in all those family related stuff if it doesn't sincerely come from the heart. I don't want to fake it. Why should I be the one to make the first move? Why not them? Contemplating on who is going to make the first move isn't going to do anything for me. Will I be ready to face their music and vice versa? Admittedly, I come from a rather, oh-so-they-believe, pious family. Is it my actions and failure to commit myself to a religion that I have no faith in that is causing the problem? I hail from a religion which believes religion is far above everything else and the rest is all secondary. I guess I'll be able to accept the hard hitting fact that if they say they're acting this way towards me for not following their religious views. But the aftermath is utter disappointment on my end. Why must religion be above everything else? Where is the humanity in us all? I know I can't change their beliefs that they're the only ones going to heaven in the end but have they been so brainwashed that they forget the essential needs of any human? Love. Am I supposed to live with their rigid beliefs and accommodate to their sickly ways?
I'm not different from anyone out there. I just do what every other person does. Question stupidity. Faith is one thing. Stupidity is another. Why are people so caught with blind faith that they fail to see that stupidity in them? The elders, we can't blame. They've been brainwashed and brought up in such an way that they refuse to change. Even if they do, they still will have difficulties to digest certain things we youngsters will say. Why brand us as modern and open-minded just because they're old-fashioned and narrow-minded? We're not futurists to be declared modern. We're just contemporary. I'm using the words in their aspect. It's upsetting to see such families where I come from that they will look at you suspiciously if you sit too close to your own cousin sisters. For fuck's sake, I'm their blood brother. I'm not going to fucking molest or impregnate their daughters. Can't a brother be close to his own sisters? Is a hug going to arouse us and make us wet and want to fuck one another? We know where we stand and how we see each other as. No need to try and separate us because your stupid fucking religion says so. When will these people first learn to be human?
I have far too much anger in me to write everything out. This is nothing. I will write out every possible stupidity that I've seen in this religion, some day. Wait for that day or keep bugging me to write more, if interested. And I just might do so. Peace.
